Montclair Presbyterian Church

How can it be at age 48 that I am already saying, “In my day…” such and such happened?  Alas, I am already old enough that I can reflect back to a different time.  In my day as a parent, the parenting philosophy of the time was that children should be given choices and then shown the natural consequences, both positive and negative, for those choices.  Authoritarian parenting and corporal punishment was out and choices and time-outs and counting down were in.  The idea behind the new wave of choice parenting was that by intentionally giving children choice (and therefore consequences) rather than forcing them to be or do a certain thing, parents were empowering their children to be autonomous selves and teaching them critical thinking skills.  As a young parent, I felt the stares and disapproval and scorn of the older generations who were convinced that my generation was full of baloney and would pay the price of “spoiling” our children.  Even though it was hurtful at times, I also understood how vastly different our approach was to theirs and how natural it seemed that they would be skeptical.  My generation had learned from the Feminist Movement and from the Civil Rights Movement.  The shift in our parenting came from a deeper shift in the culture against dictatorship and autocracy and toward a leadership that was geared toward partnership and collective wisdom.

Something has shifted again and I am not sure how to articulate the shift and the cause.  Having worked in a school for a few years recently, having a spouse who teaches high school, and having friends who are rearing young children, it seems as if a subtle shift has occurred and I am not sure if it is for the best.  The schools have a variety of terminology they use to describe the phenomena.  One of the terms is “helicopter parent.”  This vivid image depicts a parent who hovers in every aspect of a child’s life, ready to swoop in as soon as there is discomfort, sadness, frustration, anger, desire, or the possibility of making a mistake.  Anyone who has been or is a parent knows that deep internal instinct of protectiveness.  When our daughters experience those things, of course I want to protect them from anything that will be upsetting in their lives.  Early on, though, I had to quickly learn when to jump in and when to let them figure out how to handle a variety of situations or when and how to comfort themselves.  When I hear about “helicopter parents” I empathize because it could easily be me.  Empathy is not the only emotion I feel, though, as I witness these helicopter parents leaving scars and wreckage in their wake.  At the heart of an overbearing parent or a parent who rescues their child or a parent who mistakenly puts their child at the center of the universe, is fear.  Parental fear is one of the most powerful and unconscious kinds of fear a person can feel.  Unfortunately, parental fear often translates into children who are also fearful or children who act out in order to mask their fear or children who simply feel paralyzed in life.

Parenting is the most difficult job we do in our lives and we receive no training, very little support, usually some marital tension and few rewards (other than the darling cherubs themselves).  We provide people with more support for losing weight than we do for parenting!  How can we be more like a village when it comes to parenting?  How can we support parents?  How can the church take a more active role (not in the way many right wing churches do with telling parents how to better control their kids)?  In the midst of a period of time in which most people are struggling to make ends meet and pay their bills and seek meaning and stay positive, what do the rest of us have to offer those who are parents?  If you know a parent with children, ask them to go to coffee or to have lunch and inquire as to how you might support them in their parenting.

Yesterday I had the privilege of hearing Jeff Clements speak at Montclair Presbyterian Church.  Jeff is a co-founder and general counsel of “Free Speech for People” and the author of “Corporations Are Not People:  Why They Have More Rights Than You Do and What You Can Do About It.”  He talked about a great deal of what is in his book regarding how it is that corporations ended up winning their Supreme Court case that basically declared that they have the same rights of free speech as people.  Jeff gave an example of how treating a corporation like a person actually plays out when it comes to free speech.  He said an organic cattle farmer from Vermont decided to speak out against the Monsanto Corporation.  Monsanto is the one that created the bovine growth hormone that is injected into cattle to make them produce more milk more rapidly.  As you might imagine, the growth hormone is terrible for cattle and causes all kinds of infection and other side effects.  The organic farmer in Vermont wanted to get Vermont to pass a law saying that any product (milk, cheese, yogurt, etc…) that came from a cow that had been injected with the growth hormone should be labeled as having that growth hormone in it so people would know exactly what they were buying.  After a great deal of time and energy spent on getting the bill through the legislature, the end result was that Monsanto eventually won the case because it was against their free speech right to force the to “say” something they didn’t want to say.  People all over our country are still trying to tackle this issue.  In California, there is a petition being circulated for signatures that insists that food that has been genetically modified be labeled as such.  Hopefully it will be one of our ballot initiatives in November.

Sometimes it is easy to feel hopeless when trying to take on multinational corporations.  Jeff was encouraging all those gathered by giving examples in the past of people taking on corporations and winning.  He said that what he finds astounding right now is that 80% of the American people are AGAINST corporations being treated like people and being given the same rights.  He made it a point to say that this is an issue that crosses all political and religious lines.  This is not a democratic or republican or independent or conservative or progressive Christian or Jewish or Muslim or Buddhist agenda.  In fact, it is one of the few issues nationally that has widespread support from all sides.  Jeff is working hard to get a constitutional amendment passed that would overturn the Supreme Court decision in “Citizens United vs the Federal Election Commission.”  If and when the amendment passes it will then have to be ratified by 3/4 of the states.  While that seems like more than an uphill battle, if 80% of American people are against corporations being treated like people, ratification should be possible.

There have been a few times in my life when I have been viscerally aware of the need to speak up, get involved and not settle for defeat.  This is one of those times and one of those issues.  Our democratic process was hijacked when the Supreme Court made their ruling and it must be overturned if we are to have any semblance of a democracy left.  We all have a great deal on our plates as we struggle to make ends meet, maintain healthy habits, work on relationships, nurture our spiritual lives and try to live each day as though it is our last.  When you are making choices about what to get involved in and what to leave for other people, I hope you will consider the devastating effects this has had and will continue to have on our country if we let it go unchallenged.  Please check out what you can do through “Free Speech for People” or by reading Jeff’s book.  Discover what your state is doing to insist that corporations are not people and should not be afforded the same rights as people.  Together, we can still rescue our hijacked democracy.

For the past four days I have been in Texas with the Rev. Dr. Janie Spahr and close to thirty other people traveling with her.  Janie was brought up on charges in the Presbyterian Church (USA) in 2006 for having performed marriage ceremonies for same sex couples.  Her case went all the way to the General Assembly Permanent Judicial Commission of the PC (USA).  The outcome of that trial was that they prohibited her from performing any more same sex ceremonies that were portrayed in any way like  marriages.  The ruling came just weeks before California made same sex marriages legal so her legal team asked the GAPJC for guidance regarding what were now going to be legal same sex marriages in California and they did not hear back from the GAPJC.  So, Janie performed countless same sex marriages during the legal window in California.  She was once again brought up on charges and her case went to the GAPJC this past weekend in San Antonio, Texas.

I was in Texas with Janie because my wife and I were one of the couples she performed a marriage ceremony for during the legal window.  There were many other couples with us in Texas as well though some couples were unable to make it.  There is tremendous community that has been built among the couples and Janie’s family and other committed supporters.  While it is difficult to describe how hurtful it is to have to listen to anyone discussing whether it is right or wrong to perform same sex marriage ceremonies, what is even more hurtful is to have the discussion occur in the church.

The prosecutor in the case is a woman even older than Janie Spahr who has been supportive of Janie throughout her ministry.  She is a retired lawyer and she volunteered to prosecute the case partly in order to save the Presbytery the money they would have had to spend on a lawyer.  She volunteered in part because she believes in the rules of the Presbyterian Church and she believes we must follow the rules to the letter of the law until the rules can be changed.

As is often the case when I consider human rights’ issues, I find myself wondering again if I would have been one of the people in the fifties and sixties who would have realized that human beings are always more important than rules.  Would I have stood with MLK Jr. and the countless others who realized the rules were killing people, literally and figuratively?  Or would I have been one of those who would have waited and hoped the rules would change but would have participated in widespread racism and bigotry?  I will never the know the answer to that question but I do know the answer related to now.  I refuse to stand by and watch human beings relegated to “less than” status because of a human rule.  We have always said Jesus is the head of the church and I know without doubt Jesus would not have created a separate category for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender people.  In fact, I often imagine Jesus shuddering at the way the church has often treated the Beloved Ones.

One of the things the prosecution said when she began her argument was that the trial was about the unity of the church.  She couldn’t have been more wrong.  The trial was about a mistake that was made in 2008 by the GAPJC and their chance to right the wrong.  The unity of the church has NO bearing on that group providing leadership and doing the right thing.  For years the Presbyterian denomination has lived in fear and bent over backward to produce unity and the cost has been enormous.  There is still no unity and there is also no leadership and no prophetic voice.  What a tragic result for the denomination.  This is a time for phophets, for courage, and for creating a denomination that lives the love it proclaims.

The Rev. Jim Rigby, a prophetic ally for the dignity of LGBT people in the church, said over the weekend that it is not us (Janie or the couples) who are on trial.  Rev. Rigby said, “It is the church that is on trial this weekend.”  He could not have been more right.  The verdict will be announced on Wednesday, February 22nd, and it remains to be seen how the church will fare in this trial.  The GAPJC has the opportunity to demonstrate to the world that the Presbyterian Church (USA) does still have a prophetic voice.  Let’s hope they realize in their deliberations that the “good news of the gospel” that Jesus came to proclaim is the news that all are loved and cherished equally by the One who created us.  May they finally free the denomination from bigotry and fear for a ministry of love and prophecy.

A few weeks ago on NPR’s Story Corps, there was a story told by a young man in his early 30’s who grew up in rural Kentucky.  Nathan Hoskins said he knew from an early age that he was gay.  He did all he could to hide it from his mother.  When he was in the sixth grade he met another boy who wasn’t interested in girls.  One day the boy told Nathan he had made a Valentine’s card for him.  Nathan asked if he could see it and the boy said it was so special he had mailed it to Nathan’s home.  All the way home on the bus Nathan was terrified knowing that his mother was the one who usually got the mail.  He tried to think of how he could convince her it wasn’t a real Valentine.

When he arrived home, his mother was waiting on the porch with the Valentine in her hand.  He could see the little hearts all over the outside of it and his mother asked if he had read it yet.  He did all he could to convince her that he had not asked for the card and that he didn’t want to read it.  His mother led him into the house, got her shotgun, loaded it in front of him, handed it to him and then told him to get into the back of the car.

She drove him into the middle of nowhere and pulled the car over.  She had him get out of the car and led him into the woods.  She had him stand by a tree and put the shotgun up to his head.  She then told him that if any son of hers decided to be a “faggot” this is exactly the tree she would bring him to in order to blow his head off.

Nathan said from then on he did everything he could to hide who he was and he turned into a good liar.  He married a woman and was married for 9 years before he divorced his wife.  Not long after that, he came out.  He didn’t talk with his mom much about what happened in the woods that day but after he came out he asked her about it.  His mom laughed about it and Nathan said he wanted her to say just one time that it was terribly wrong.  Even though his mom acknowledged doing it, she could never say it was wrong.  Eventually, Nathan cut off contact with his family in order to preserve himself.

Can you imagine the pain he endured and still endures?  He was 10 or 11 years old when his mom threatened to blow his head off if were to “decide” to be gay.  I can’t imagine his terror, given that he couldn’t be anything but gay.  No child should ever have to be afraid of who they are, not ever.

While his story sounds extreme, it may not be as extreme as we think.  What about the kids who grow up in conservative churches who are told they will burn in hell if they are gay?  Is that any less scary than having your head blown off?  The church community that is supposed to love you no matter what and help nurture you becomes the community that threatens you with hellfire?  God can be portrayed as scarily as any of the scariest monsters to serve a particular theology.  No wonder so many gay kids grow up into adults who want nothing to do with the church or with the God used against them.

My hope is to continue serving with churches like this one who offer a glimpse of God that is healing rather than terrifying.  God created each person in God’s image and that includes those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning or intersex.  Did I miss anyone?!  We need to disarm those who spew hate and homophobia and heterosexism before we lose more of God’s children.

Recently my step-dad, Paul, died.  He leaves a big hole in the lives of all of us who were his family and his friends.  He married my mom when I was 3 years old and they divorced after I left home for college.  It must not have been easy rearing 6 children on one coast and trying to maintain a relationship with two children living on the opposite coast.  He did the best he could.  What I will remember about him the most is how he cheered me on in my various endeavors.  I always knew he was proud of me and I always knew I could count on his support.  He did things that drove me crazy (he was not an on time person and I am an on time person!) but I will always be grateful to him for his love and support.

When our family got together to celebrate his life we recounted stories from our childhood and had many good laughs.  In the midst of the storytelling, however, I was struck by how differently we remember some of the same stories.  We each had our different relationships with Paul and we each have our different memories.  Isn’t it odd how the same children in the same family can have vastly different experiences or at least memories of those experiences?

What I wonder about is how and when we begin writing our “scripts” for life.  Do we begin writing our scripts at such an early age that we then find information to support the script?  Or, do we write our script based on what we experience from very early or is it a combination of the two?  What happens if our script is not particularly based in reality and is not serving us well as adults?  Is it possible to rewrite our scripts?

As a person who believes in the transforming love of God and those around who have that of God in them, I have to say emphatically that I think we can absolutely rewrite and rework our scripts.  The challenging part is how we become motivated to do so and the even more challenging part is how we encourage someone else to rewrite their script.

My mother had a script that did not serve her well and I remember trying in a variety of ways to convince her that what she thought was reality was not reality at all.  In all of my codependent effort, I was not successful in encouraging her to rewrite her script.  She was an alcoholic and she died much younger than she might have if she had been able to live a different script.

Some of my siblings have scripts that are not serving them well.  I would do anything to help them be able to look differently at what they are now convinced was reality.  The information I have is different than the information they have and I keep wondering why they insist on hanging on to what must be a very painful rendering of reality.  Do some of us choose to live in pain for a reason?  Wouldn’t you try to heal your pain if it were physical pain?  Why don’t people work harder to heal emotional pain?

We have one life and it goes by fairly quickly.  God has given us resources beyond what  we even need in order to live abundantly.  When we don’t avail ourselves of those resources and when we continue to live in pain without actively engaging in our own healing, I imagine God must feel frustration like I felt when trying to get my mom to live fully.  Obviously, I am anthropomorphizing but I do so for a reason.  God extends to us lifeline after lifeline and when we continue to refuse them we are choosing to live in pain.  Why would anyone choose pain over healing?

When I was in seminary one of my best friends experienced the death of her father as a result of Hodgkins’ Lymphoma.  We were both in our mid-twenties which was way too young to be losing a father.  At that time in my life I had not yet lost a close family member.  After we were back at school together following his death and the service, I asked my friend what her grief felt like since I hadn’t experienced it.  She described it to me like this:

“Grief, at least this grief for my dad, feels like the ocean.  Sometimes it’s as if the waves come one after another crashing over me and I can barely catch my breath.  At other times, the waves seem to be more spread out and they seem to come more evenly and I see them coming and I can breathe through them.  What surprises me is when some time passes with no waves at all and then all of a sudden, out of the blue, a wave comes from nowhere and knocks me flat again.  That is as close as I can get to describing what it feels like.  I am hoping that with the passage of time, the waves will get fewer and farther between and eventually will roll over me instead of knocking me over.”

I have never forgotten her description of grief and as I have now lost two parents (fortunately I have five parents total), I have found her description to be quite accurate.  If you are someone who is experiencing grief, whether it is from a while ago or brand new, it helps if you can reach out and grab someone’s hand when the waves come crashing over you.  None of us needs to go through grief alone.

One of the beautiful things about community is that we have people who can share our grief and share our joy.  If you are not a part of a regular community, we invite you to come and join with us at Montclair Presbyterian Church.  We’d be glad to walk with you through your joys and your grief.

When the New Year began, I realized with a deep sigh that we were entering an election year.  My deep sigh was related to how much I have grown to despise what happens in election years.  The first few months usually consist of a party attacking itself followed by the choosing of a candidate and then the two parties attacking each other.  Oh how I long for a political season in which the focus is simply on the strengths of an individual and not on the weaknesses of the opponent.

How did we end up here?  Have elections in our country always been this vitriolic?  Or did it happen slowly over time and, if so, why?  Perhaps our politicians should take some lessons from students.  If you have ever spent time in a middle or high school where elections occur, you would notice how little “fighting” there is and how much focus is put on the strength of a candidate.  Okay, so maybe a 12 or 15 year old doesn’t have as much dirt to dig up as an adult.  But maybe it’s more than that.  Maybe students understand that you still have to live with your opponent long after the election is over.

What would happen to our election season if we sent all of the candidates to a deserted island and left them there until after the election?  They could communicate, do debates via satellite link and churn out whatever they wished.  The difference is they would have to live with the ones against whom they are running.  They would eat together, sleep together and hang out together.  They would end up having to look each other in the eye every single day.  Better yet, their ticket off the island would be when they choose a candidate and put forth solutions to the top 5 problems of the country!  Okay, I realize you are thinking that the chosen candidate would just be the bully or the one who had eaten or killed the rest.  However, I have an innate belief in the goodness of humankind and prefer to think they would get productive.  I am intrigued enough to want us to try it some time.

Anyone can sling mud at another person.  It takes an extraordinary person to live with people in community and to learn to listen, empathize and work together.  Isn’t that the kind of person we want running our country?

We are lost in the quagmire of partisanship and one-upsmanship.  Meanwhile, our ship is sinking.  Isn’t a big part of the problem that in order for someone to get to the “top” of the political ladder they have had to sell their soul along the way?  How can we change that?  How can we make it so money isn’t the most important thing?

I long for a political season that is exciting and stimulating and invites all kinds of new ideas and solutions.  Don’t you?  It seems it may have to come from the grass roots and that means you and me.  How can we enter the dialogue?  And what does Occupy Wall Street have to say to and in the dialogue?  And lastly, Newt Gingrich?  Really?  Oops, I guess if it begins with me I have to look for the solutions and not the problems…

In anticipation of Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday celebration this year, I re-read his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.”  There is so much in that letter that is instructive for churches and pastors that each time I read it I find myself feeling challenged again.  It seems each reading of it leads me somewhere else.

This year as I read it, I was struck by his comments toward the beginning of the letter that were directed to the clergy and were his explanation of why he was bothering to answer to their criticism of him.  He went on to say that if he were to take time to answer to every letter or word of criticism, he would never be able to do the work to which he was called.

I have been thinking about that and feeling the deep wisdom in his words.  We can sure get sidetracked in life when we try to answer to the criticism that comes our way.  But how can we not?  It is part of our survival instincts to defend ourselves.  When we hear criticism, we want to go to our own defense.  If you are a middle child or you struggle with codependence, you are particularly prone to wanting to answer to all of the criticism that comes your way!

We have a great deal to learn from his wisdom.  In his explanation of why he bothered answering their criticism, he said that because he thought they were men of genuine goodwill and because he thought their criticisms were sincerely set forth, he wanted to respond to them.  Imagine how much criticism had been written, spoken, shouted and directed his way.  In the midst of all of it, he used those two criteria to discern that he would respond.

If someone criticizes you, which is bound to happen if you are trying to make a difference in our world, ask yourself those two questions:  is this a person of genuine goodwill and is this criticism one that has been sincerely given?  In asking those questions, you will be able to let go of those who do not have goodwill toward you and you can let go of the criticism that has not been sincerely given.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to hear and receive genuine and sincere criticism.  If we will hear it and respond to it, we may find ourselves growing in exciting ways.  I am going to try to be wise in my choice of responses this year.  How about you?

For decades I have watched women who were older than me make their journeys through menopause. As someone who is tall and lean, I am cold more than I am warm so when older women would break out in a sweat and complain, I remember thinking, “If only I could have a hot flash – at least I’d be warm.” When my wife would have a hot flash during the night and kick off the covers, I remember thinking, “Now that’s a little dramatic, isn’t it? It can’t be that bad…” Some of the women I have known have had much more severe symptoms as well. Migraines, insomnia, irritability, joint pain, and even depression are a few I have witnessed. Some women are barely recognizable as they go through menopause.

Instead of being a mere observer, I am now being sucked slowly into the vacuum of menopause. The picture I have of myself is that I am grabbing on to every possible sturdy structure trying to stay on this side of it rather than being sucked in completely and irreversibly. I am only 48 years old and it sure seems to me as if it could be kind enough to wait a few years before bidding me to join those who have gone before me. As a person who is fairly spiritually attuned and who has spent more than 20 years trying to walk with others so that they might be more spiritually attuned as well, I am intrigued by how one maintains a spiritual life in the midst of what could be perceived as the “demon” menopause. Many women are like me in that they have worked hard to create a life with loving relationships, meaningful work, intentional parenting, gracious service, and deep friendships. There is a great deal of intention and, in some respects, control that goes into creating such a life. And then right in the midst of such a marvelous canvas, the “gods” throw paint every which way and create chaos. I’m pretty sure that’s an accurate description of menopause for many women. So what’s the spiritual part?

Rumi’s poem titled “The Guest House” is perhaps the best description I have found of how one can focus on one’s spirituality while in the midst of the chaos created by menopause. The first line is “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.” Isn’t that the truth? He goes on to say, “A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” As with so many things spiritual, it sounds way easier than it is in reality. Sure, go ahead, welcome that migraine or that sleepless night or that depression or that feeling that you want to ring someone’s neck and aren’t really sure why. And while you’re at it, be sure to welcome the thought that God must have really given in to Adam’s whining about Eve “making” him eat the apple, or else surely God would have given the menopause experience to both men and women. If women are going to welcome the “guests” of menopause, then perhaps all spouses of women should be trained in how to also welcome those guests since if one person is welcoming and the other is not, it will definitely change the experience!

As a woman preacher, I am tempted to preach a sermon on what a simple hot flash feels like so we can all be on the same spiritual page. It’s one thing to try to love God and self and neighbor when all is well. It’s another to try to love God and self and neighbor when one second it feels as if your skin is on fire and the next second it feels as if you’ve been dunked in a pool of ice water. Welcome each new arrival as an unexpected visitor…oh that part is easy because it sure is unexpected when it comes. Right in the middle of church, right in the middle of a business meeting, right in the middle of job interview, right in the middle of a party, right in the middle of a serious conversation, you name it and it comes right in the middle. Welcome and entertain a hot flash? Are you kidding me? For just one day, women all over the world would like men to have to entertain that particular guest – the one that makes you want to shed all of your clothing in the midst of whatever is happening and then makes you want to put on a parka as soon as it’s over. For so long men have been under the mistaken impression that they are calmer, more level headed, more emotionally stable than women. I beg to differ. Let them have one night of hot flashes and then let’s see what happens around the world the next day. But I digress…

Rumi’s words are words to take to heart no matter what “condition” we are in at the moment. Maybe there is a way to convert the energy from a hot flash into spiritual energy. Maybe there is a way to be reminded of the Holy Spirit who is fire and light every time we feel like our skin is on fire. Maybe there is a way to notice what comes up in us when we are lacking in sleep and comfort and hold those before God and ask to be loved as we are, hot or cold. I will say one thing I have noticed is how wondrously strong women are on the other side of menopause. Maybe welcoming these guests one by one gives women a sense of being able to change the world and themselves. I am watching and waiting and hoping that if I welcome them and honor them I, too, will be forever changed. Off to get some sleep…

This morning on National Public Radio I heard a great article about children’s tantrums. The article featured the sounds of a little girl having a variety of tantrums with her parents’ voices in the background. These weren’t just your ordinary tantrums – if there is such a thing! Any of us who have ever had children probably remember the sounds and the experience. Children wield way more power than we’d like to admit, particularly if we are in public with that child when the tantrum begins. There is nothing that blares “you are a terrible parent” more than when your young child begins to let loose with blood curdling screams while you stand by knowing that no matter what you say or do it simply has to run its course. But I digress…

Part of what I found so interesting about the article this morning on NPR (once I got past the flashbacks!), was that a group of researches studied tantrums by having the parents put a “onesie” on a child with a hidden microphone sewn into it. By doing that, they were able to listen to the sounds from the minute the tantrum began until it finished. What they discovered in the graph of the sounds is that they could hear both anger and sadness present in the tantrum. Most parents who are experiencing the tantrum only hear the anger and they tend to meet the emotion by feeling and expressing anger back toward the child, which serves to deepen the sadness.

As is so often the case, we have a great deal to learn from children. Most professionals who study and treat emotions or emotional disorders will tell you that anger is not a primary emotion, but a secondary emotion. What does that mean? Anger is not the first emotion you feel, but it is often the emotion we most readily or unconsciously show or display. In the case of a toddler or young child, they feel sadness when a parent says they can’t have the cookies they have just seen in the grocery store. Instead of calmly expressing that sadness, they express it in the form of a tantrum. Remember, though, they are so young they do not even have a full vocabulary yet! In the case of adults, when someone says something to hurt your feelings, often what you will display and then feel is anger toward that person. The other person then can’t imagine why you are angry with them and their feelings get hurt. They then display the same kind of anger back to you and so on. It doesn’t take much to figure out how many problems in our families, our communities, our nation and our world stem from the inability to identify and express what it is we are really feeling.

Last week I found myself in a situation where I was steaming mad. If I had been somewhere other than at work, I think I would have felt better if I could have thrown something. Instead, I did the usual things like raise my voice, stomp around, walk in circles, and get nothing done. I sent an email that did not convey my direct anger (fortunately) but was very strong in tone and could have done some damage if I was not naturally a person who tries to make peace. What I figured out in the midst of my mini-tantrum (yes, let’s call it what it was) was that I was feeling sick (I had been in bed 3 days that week), exhausted and fearful about the coming months. There is a huge difference between feeling those 3 things and feeling angry. Our default button seems to be anger and so often we don’t even try to figure out what our primary emotion is or has been. Imagine how different it would be to be on the receiving end of someone feeling fear than it is to be on the receiving end of someone feeling anger. It’s vastly different!

I work primarily with volunteers. It does not serve me or them to be angry with them. My challenge is to stop when I am acting or sounding or feeling angry and take some time to identify what my primary emotion is at the time. Once I identify it, I can express it and the other person’s experience of me in that moment will change drastically. Someone called me in the midst of mini-tantrum last week and I began to bluster and the person who called was very calm and asked me a couple of really good questions and then really listened to me. It wasn’t long at all before tears came to my eyes and I felt the fear of overwork washing over me. In just a couple of minutes I went from steaming mad (or so I thought) to feeling exhausted and vulnerable and fearful.

When a parent with a child in the midst of a tantrum can hear the sadness, it changes how the tantrum is experienced by both of them. If, as adults, we can hear the underlying emotions when someone is displaying anger toward us, our experience of that person and their experience of us will be vastly different. I wonder what would happen if we applied this same principal to countries? Instead of using anger as a justification for retaliation and war, what if we had stuck with the emotions of hurt and devastation and grief following September 11th? They were, after all, our primary emotions. Maybe the way to peace in our world, which we consider during this season of Advent, is the way of identifying and living from our primary rather than our secondary emotions.