Montclair Presbyterian Church

When the New Year began, I realized with a deep sigh that we were entering an election year.  My deep sigh was related to how much I have grown to despise what happens in election years.  The first few months usually consist of a party attacking itself followed by the choosing of a candidate and then the two parties attacking each other.  Oh how I long for a political season in which the focus is simply on the strengths of an individual and not on the weaknesses of the opponent.

How did we end up here?  Have elections in our country always been this vitriolic?  Or did it happen slowly over time and, if so, why?  Perhaps our politicians should take some lessons from students.  If you have ever spent time in a middle or high school where elections occur, you would notice how little “fighting” there is and how much focus is put on the strength of a candidate.  Okay, so maybe a 12 or 15 year old doesn’t have as much dirt to dig up as an adult.  But maybe it’s more than that.  Maybe students understand that you still have to live with your opponent long after the election is over.

What would happen to our election season if we sent all of the candidates to a deserted island and left them there until after the election?  They could communicate, do debates via satellite link and churn out whatever they wished.  The difference is they would have to live with the ones against whom they are running.  They would eat together, sleep together and hang out together.  They would end up having to look each other in the eye every single day.  Better yet, their ticket off the island would be when they choose a candidate and put forth solutions to the top 5 problems of the country!  Okay, I realize you are thinking that the chosen candidate would just be the bully or the one who had eaten or killed the rest.  However, I have an innate belief in the goodness of humankind and prefer to think they would get productive.  I am intrigued enough to want us to try it some time.

Anyone can sling mud at another person.  It takes an extraordinary person to live with people in community and to learn to listen, empathize and work together.  Isn’t that the kind of person we want running our country?

We are lost in the quagmire of partisanship and one-upsmanship.  Meanwhile, our ship is sinking.  Isn’t a big part of the problem that in order for someone to get to the “top” of the political ladder they have had to sell their soul along the way?  How can we change that?  How can we make it so money isn’t the most important thing?

I long for a political season that is exciting and stimulating and invites all kinds of new ideas and solutions.  Don’t you?  It seems it may have to come from the grass roots and that means you and me.  How can we enter the dialogue?  And what does Occupy Wall Street have to say to and in the dialogue?  And lastly, Newt Gingrich?  Really?  Oops, I guess if it begins with me I have to look for the solutions and not the problems…

In anticipation of Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday celebration this year, I re-read his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.”  There is so much in that letter that is instructive for churches and pastors that each time I read it I find myself feeling challenged again.  It seems each reading of it leads me somewhere else.

This year as I read it, I was struck by his comments toward the beginning of the letter that were directed to the clergy and were his explanation of why he was bothering to answer to their criticism of him.  He went on to say that if he were to take time to answer to every letter or word of criticism, he would never be able to do the work to which he was called.

I have been thinking about that and feeling the deep wisdom in his words.  We can sure get sidetracked in life when we try to answer to the criticism that comes our way.  But how can we not?  It is part of our survival instincts to defend ourselves.  When we hear criticism, we want to go to our own defense.  If you are a middle child or you struggle with codependence, you are particularly prone to wanting to answer to all of the criticism that comes your way!

We have a great deal to learn from his wisdom.  In his explanation of why he bothered answering their criticism, he said that because he thought they were men of genuine goodwill and because he thought their criticisms were sincerely set forth, he wanted to respond to them.  Imagine how much criticism had been written, spoken, shouted and directed his way.  In the midst of all of it, he used those two criteria to discern that he would respond.

If someone criticizes you, which is bound to happen if you are trying to make a difference in our world, ask yourself those two questions:  is this a person of genuine goodwill and is this criticism one that has been sincerely given?  In asking those questions, you will be able to let go of those who do not have goodwill toward you and you can let go of the criticism that has not been sincerely given.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to hear and receive genuine and sincere criticism.  If we will hear it and respond to it, we may find ourselves growing in exciting ways.  I am going to try to be wise in my choice of responses this year.  How about you?

For decades I have watched women who were older than me make their journeys through menopause. As someone who is tall and lean, I am cold more than I am warm so when older women would break out in a sweat and complain, I remember thinking, “If only I could have a hot flash – at least I’d be warm.” When my wife would have a hot flash during the night and kick off the covers, I remember thinking, “Now that’s a little dramatic, isn’t it? It can’t be that bad…” Some of the women I have known have had much more severe symptoms as well. Migraines, insomnia, irritability, joint pain, and even depression are a few I have witnessed. Some women are barely recognizable as they go through menopause.

Instead of being a mere observer, I am now being sucked slowly into the vacuum of menopause. The picture I have of myself is that I am grabbing on to every possible sturdy structure trying to stay on this side of it rather than being sucked in completely and irreversibly. I am only 48 years old and it sure seems to me as if it could be kind enough to wait a few years before bidding me to join those who have gone before me. As a person who is fairly spiritually attuned and who has spent more than 20 years trying to walk with others so that they might be more spiritually attuned as well, I am intrigued by how one maintains a spiritual life in the midst of what could be perceived as the “demon” menopause. Many women are like me in that they have worked hard to create a life with loving relationships, meaningful work, intentional parenting, gracious service, and deep friendships. There is a great deal of intention and, in some respects, control that goes into creating such a life. And then right in the midst of such a marvelous canvas, the “gods” throw paint every which way and create chaos. I’m pretty sure that’s an accurate description of menopause for many women. So what’s the spiritual part?

Rumi’s poem titled “The Guest House” is perhaps the best description I have found of how one can focus on one’s spirituality while in the midst of the chaos created by menopause. The first line is “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.” Isn’t that the truth? He goes on to say, “A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” As with so many things spiritual, it sounds way easier than it is in reality. Sure, go ahead, welcome that migraine or that sleepless night or that depression or that feeling that you want to ring someone’s neck and aren’t really sure why. And while you’re at it, be sure to welcome the thought that God must have really given in to Adam’s whining about Eve “making” him eat the apple, or else surely God would have given the menopause experience to both men and women. If women are going to welcome the “guests” of menopause, then perhaps all spouses of women should be trained in how to also welcome those guests since if one person is welcoming and the other is not, it will definitely change the experience!

As a woman preacher, I am tempted to preach a sermon on what a simple hot flash feels like so we can all be on the same spiritual page. It’s one thing to try to love God and self and neighbor when all is well. It’s another to try to love God and self and neighbor when one second it feels as if your skin is on fire and the next second it feels as if you’ve been dunked in a pool of ice water. Welcome each new arrival as an unexpected visitor…oh that part is easy because it sure is unexpected when it comes. Right in the middle of church, right in the middle of a business meeting, right in the middle of job interview, right in the middle of a party, right in the middle of a serious conversation, you name it and it comes right in the middle. Welcome and entertain a hot flash? Are you kidding me? For just one day, women all over the world would like men to have to entertain that particular guest – the one that makes you want to shed all of your clothing in the midst of whatever is happening and then makes you want to put on a parka as soon as it’s over. For so long men have been under the mistaken impression that they are calmer, more level headed, more emotionally stable than women. I beg to differ. Let them have one night of hot flashes and then let’s see what happens around the world the next day. But I digress…

Rumi’s words are words to take to heart no matter what “condition” we are in at the moment. Maybe there is a way to convert the energy from a hot flash into spiritual energy. Maybe there is a way to be reminded of the Holy Spirit who is fire and light every time we feel like our skin is on fire. Maybe there is a way to notice what comes up in us when we are lacking in sleep and comfort and hold those before God and ask to be loved as we are, hot or cold. I will say one thing I have noticed is how wondrously strong women are on the other side of menopause. Maybe welcoming these guests one by one gives women a sense of being able to change the world and themselves. I am watching and waiting and hoping that if I welcome them and honor them I, too, will be forever changed. Off to get some sleep…

This morning on National Public Radio I heard a great article about children’s tantrums. The article featured the sounds of a little girl having a variety of tantrums with her parents’ voices in the background. These weren’t just your ordinary tantrums – if there is such a thing! Any of us who have ever had children probably remember the sounds and the experience. Children wield way more power than we’d like to admit, particularly if we are in public with that child when the tantrum begins. There is nothing that blares “you are a terrible parent” more than when your young child begins to let loose with blood curdling screams while you stand by knowing that no matter what you say or do it simply has to run its course. But I digress…

Part of what I found so interesting about the article this morning on NPR (once I got past the flashbacks!), was that a group of researches studied tantrums by having the parents put a “onesie” on a child with a hidden microphone sewn into it. By doing that, they were able to listen to the sounds from the minute the tantrum began until it finished. What they discovered in the graph of the sounds is that they could hear both anger and sadness present in the tantrum. Most parents who are experiencing the tantrum only hear the anger and they tend to meet the emotion by feeling and expressing anger back toward the child, which serves to deepen the sadness.

As is so often the case, we have a great deal to learn from children. Most professionals who study and treat emotions or emotional disorders will tell you that anger is not a primary emotion, but a secondary emotion. What does that mean? Anger is not the first emotion you feel, but it is often the emotion we most readily or unconsciously show or display. In the case of a toddler or young child, they feel sadness when a parent says they can’t have the cookies they have just seen in the grocery store. Instead of calmly expressing that sadness, they express it in the form of a tantrum. Remember, though, they are so young they do not even have a full vocabulary yet! In the case of adults, when someone says something to hurt your feelings, often what you will display and then feel is anger toward that person. The other person then can’t imagine why you are angry with them and their feelings get hurt. They then display the same kind of anger back to you and so on. It doesn’t take much to figure out how many problems in our families, our communities, our nation and our world stem from the inability to identify and express what it is we are really feeling.

Last week I found myself in a situation where I was steaming mad. If I had been somewhere other than at work, I think I would have felt better if I could have thrown something. Instead, I did the usual things like raise my voice, stomp around, walk in circles, and get nothing done. I sent an email that did not convey my direct anger (fortunately) but was very strong in tone and could have done some damage if I was not naturally a person who tries to make peace. What I figured out in the midst of my mini-tantrum (yes, let’s call it what it was) was that I was feeling sick (I had been in bed 3 days that week), exhausted and fearful about the coming months. There is a huge difference between feeling those 3 things and feeling angry. Our default button seems to be anger and so often we don’t even try to figure out what our primary emotion is or has been. Imagine how different it would be to be on the receiving end of someone feeling fear than it is to be on the receiving end of someone feeling anger. It’s vastly different!

I work primarily with volunteers. It does not serve me or them to be angry with them. My challenge is to stop when I am acting or sounding or feeling angry and take some time to identify what my primary emotion is at the time. Once I identify it, I can express it and the other person’s experience of me in that moment will change drastically. Someone called me in the midst of mini-tantrum last week and I began to bluster and the person who called was very calm and asked me a couple of really good questions and then really listened to me. It wasn’t long at all before tears came to my eyes and I felt the fear of overwork washing over me. In just a couple of minutes I went from steaming mad (or so I thought) to feeling exhausted and vulnerable and fearful.

When a parent with a child in the midst of a tantrum can hear the sadness, it changes how the tantrum is experienced by both of them. If, as adults, we can hear the underlying emotions when someone is displaying anger toward us, our experience of that person and their experience of us will be vastly different. I wonder what would happen if we applied this same principal to countries? Instead of using anger as a justification for retaliation and war, what if we had stuck with the emotions of hurt and devastation and grief following September 11th? They were, after all, our primary emotions. Maybe the way to peace in our world, which we consider during this season of Advent, is the way of identifying and living from our primary rather than our secondary emotions.

Maybe this will be my last post regarding the Occupy movement. It all depends on what else happens. Two events have influenced my thinking since the last time I wrote something. The first event was participating in an “Occupy” simulation game with our youth group. Each person was assigned a character and there were 3 main groups – the occupiers, the government workers, and the 1 percent. Within each group, there were different characters. As we played out the scenario and heard from each group, an interesting thing happened. The youth who were acting as if they were part of a specific group found themselves surprised by what they were feeling and saying. It happened to some extent in each group, but it happened primarily in the group that represented the 1%. What they had been hearing at home and at school and in the media was that the 1% were to blame. When they “became” the 1% for the exercise, they had an entirely different perspective and began to understand how unhelpful it is to blame the 1% for a whole host of problems. The second event that influenced my thinking was an article in the Huffington Post titled “This Thanksgiving, Occupy Yourself” by Dylan Ratigan. He writes eloquently about how the Thanksgiving holiday was originally declared by Abraham Lincoln as an attempt to unify the nation and in the spirit of that unity, Dylan is going to look at himself and his own dark side that can create suffering when it goes unchecked. He claims that the concept of a villain is the real villain. He encourages all of us to look at ourselves, our shadow sides, our dark sides, those places in us that constantly threaten to undo us rather than to look at other people to blame.

After all is said and done, I am having a difficult time with the concepts of the 99% and the 1%. While I understand how it came about and the desire to unify the masses, I think it is missing the boat. At the heart of any and all conflict, if it is to be resolved, is that each part of the conflict honestly asks, “What is my part in this, how did I contribute to what is happening?” One of the aspects of our political scene which disturbs me the most is that we don’t have any adults who are willing to own their parts in what happens. We are creating an entire culture around “passing the buck” and not taking responsibility for our actions. Likewise, with the Occupy movement, aside from the article by Ratigan, I have heard very little encouragement for each person to ask how they contributed to our economic meltdown. Am I any better than the 1% when I wanted to buy a house I couldn’t afford? When I look at my part in what is happening globally, I see it. I, too, am part of the problem. If I am honest with myself and if I am willing to see my shadow side, I will always be able to see how I am contributing to a variety of problems, both in my family and in society.

So now what? Once we have been able to see how we, too, have contributed to a problem what comes next? We have to honestly ask whether we are willing to change our behavior in order to be a part of a solution. Am I willing to rent a house instead of owning a house? Am I willing to live within my means instead of borrowing money? Am I willing to pay more money for gas and groceries and clothing so that workers here in the United States can make products again?

The practice of owning our part in any conflict is one that we can put to use constantly in so many different relationships. If spouses were more willing to do that rather than blame the other, imagine how many more marriages would last. The same has to be true for friendships, working relationships, living in community and, of course, national and international relationships. As we approach our Christmas season, I cannot help but think about the Christ who was referred to as the Prince of Peace. He didn’t get that name because he was nice or tried to please everyone. It seems to me the true Peacemakers are those who see and acknowledge their parts in all that happens rather than blaming everyone else. May we each be living peacemakers.

As the Occupy movement continues in various ways throughout the country, Occupy Oakland continues to be fraught with difficulties. Mayor Jean Quan again issued an order for the occupiers to leave as of last Friday, November 11. The night before, in the middle of rush hour, a man was shot and killed on the street by a man apparently living in the Occupy Oakland encampment. While police do not believe there was a direct connection to the occupiers, it did happen in the area. Oakland Police, identifying themselves as part of the 99%, wrote a letter to the occupiers asking them to leave the plaza peacefully and let the officers go back to protecting the citizens of Oakland rather than protecting the occupiers and the businesses surrounding the plaza. In addition, there has been trouble with power outages due to the power cords being run into the encampment and trouble with one of the water pumps in the area. It seems as if many of the homeless in the city, some of whom are mentally ill, decided to join the occupiers, as have some others who seem bent on destruction of property.

Business owners in downtown Oakland, some of whom claim to be a part of the 99%, are not amused by the movement and, in fact, have lost a tremendous amount of business in the past 30 days as a result of the movement. Some of them have had their businesses vandalized by protestors and marchers who were interested in destruction rather than having a voice. Oakland’s leaders are spending an inordinate amount of time and attention on the safety and health of the occupiers rather than being able to address the root problems of homelessness, poverty, racial divide and poor education. Citizens are hesitant to go downtown due to fears regarding safety.

One has to ask at the end of the day, what is being gained by those who are occupying Oakland? What message is being heard, if any? How is Occupy Oakland different from other Occupy experiences? If Oakland is the 5th most dangerous city in the country, what is happening with the Occupy movements in the first four most dangerous cities? The Huffington Post reported today that 3 deaths in different cities across the country are raising questions about the sustainability of the Occupy movement. Oakland protestors are not the only ones being evicted from their encampments. It appears that in most cities those who are concerned about the issues and who wanted to join in the protest against Wall Street are inevitably joined by those who are homeless and looking for shelter and free food.

Is there anything to be gained by making this an overnight movement? Would anything be lost by occupying the various places during the day and then leaving at night? It would certainly solve the issues related to health and some safety concerns. Are the protest and message somehow lost if people are not camping out overnight? I can’t help but think about the Civil Rights Movement and how much was accomplished without having to spend the night in large groups anywhere. Is there something to be learned from that movement? In the end, aren’t we trying to achieve something that will benefit ALL people and not just a few? Our church is trying to figure out how to help facilitate justice and peace in the Occupy movement. How would you do it?

Several different events have occurred in the past couple of weeks that have been centered around how well or ill prepared we are for our own deaths. Last weekend in worship we remembered the Oakland Hills fire in which many of our members lost their homes and all of their possessions and in which many people in the community lost their lives. Just before the weekend, there were two rather mild but serious enough earthquakes to remind everyone that “the big one” can happen anytime, anywhere. One of our precious members has suffered a rapid decline in health and is losing the ability to interact cognitively. Another of our precious members suffers from Alzheimer’s disease and he ended up in the emergency room this weekend. In church on Sunday our children sang a beautiful song about the circle of the sun and the various life events (birth, walking, talking, marrying, dying, spreading ashes) occur in the circle of the sun.

All of these disconnected but sobering events lead to the question of how prepared we are for dying. In the western culture of the United States, we do not do a good job of talking about and preparing for death, nor do we allow for adequate mourning. In some other cultures, death is a natural part of living and not something to be feared or denied or from which to escape. Don’t you wonder why and how western culture became so death phobic? For many years I have heard about and seen the results of a culture that values youth to such an extreme extent that we marginalize and isolate our elderly in a number of ways. We segregate them and send them to nursing homes, care facilities, retirement homes and institutions at a time when they most need to be with a variety of generations. Rather than value their long lives, wisdom and experience, we would rather not have to see them in any kind of decline so we get them out of sight. Again, western culture is unusual in doing so. Is it the egg or the chicken? Is it that we value youth so much that we marginalize our elderly or is it that watching and caring for our elderly was so difficult that we began valuing youth in an extreme manner?

As a pastor, I am aware of how difficult it is for many people to talk about death. We have a large number of older people in our congregation and we seldom talk about their beliefs about an afterlife, their wishes for dying with dignity, their plans for what will happen if they become incapacitated, or even what they want to have done with their bodies in terms of burial or cremation. Why does it seem so difficult a conversation? Maybe it’s because of the fear of what happens in the dying process. Maybe it’s as simple as people enjoying lives that are full and meaningful and that have consisted of so much social action and working for justice that they want to keep going as long as is possible. Maybe it’s as complicated as not believing in any kind of afterlife and not knowing how to comprehend and process death being the final word. Whatever it is, it seems clear that the more we talk about it together, plan together, express feelings together and normalize it together, the better off we we’ll be in the end.

At the end of the day, I suppose death is a conversation a bit like conversations about the future. You can imagine, talk, dream, fear and wonder all you want and the reality is that no one has been there and come back to give the scoop. I grew up believing in the kind of heaven where the streets were paved of gold and every person had a mansion. At some point, I grew out of the idea of heaven as fantasy island. All I know is this: I cannot ever imagine a moment where I would be separated from God (not the anthropomorphic idea of God but the incarnate God, the God in me to the extent that God is visceral God) so when I think about dying and an afterlife, I know that in some form my spirit will live on with God’s Spirit. We are inseparable. Maybe that’s why I am comfortable talking about death. Just as I am not alone in life, I will not be alone in death and I believe it as though it’s part of my DNA.

Do you remember being a teenager? It seems adults fall into two categories usually. Either we have done our best to try and forget what it was like being a teenager and leaving it all in the past or we spend too much time trying to re-live those days despite being many years past them. I am in the former category. When I left home at age eighteen, I was happy to leave behind my hometown as well as my years as a teenager. Compared to many teenagers, I had a fairly easy time of it. Though I was not part of the cheerleader/football player crowd, I was involved in some fun and exciting things. I played three sports and I was the star in one of the sports, I was heavily involved in youth leadership for the state of California, and I had adult mentors who really cared about me. Despite all that I had going for me, I remember having very few moments where I felt like I was completely in my skin. Do you remember that feeling?

Last evening I spent some time with the youth of our church. They range in age from 12 to 18. As I listened to them talk about what brought them to youth group and why they stay, I was struck again by what a dichotomy youth are in their very nature. They are kids and they are growing up. When they talked about what makes youth group fun, I heard that dichotomy so well articulated. They like to play crazy, wild games where they run around and scream and get to act as silly as they want to act. They also like to have discussions about life and some very serious issues. They love living in the moment and they are also concerned for their futures. They want to be grown up and they love acting like kids! It was interesting to hear their favorite thing about youth group is the retreats. On the retreat they experience a safe, intimate environment in which they have open and honest discussion, they get to know each other really well and they get to play – and all of that happens without their parents around.

Now more than ever I think churches have a unique opportunity to offer youth authentic community and spiritual growth. By spiritual growth I do not mean “learning what the adults believe.” Instead, I mean genuinely cultivating a sense of Spirit in them that will help them navigate through the tricky waters of youth and young adulthood. If we only offer them fun and games, we are letting them down. At the same time, if we try to get them to be more serious than they are, we are also letting them down. Our call is to invite them to a deeper place spiritually and to help them experience that play is an important part of one’s spiritual life.

One of our former youth group members is a freshman on the UC Berkeley volleyball team. My wife and I went to watch a game last Friday night in support of this particular young woman. After just a few minutes, we were completely into the game waving our pom poms and screaming for the bears. We were astounded at how many people our age and older were at the game and doing the same thing! If they are parents of the players, it makes sense. But who were all of the others and why were they there? No matter how grown up we are it seems we all have a need now and then to be like kids or youth again. It felt better than I thought it would to be a part of the cheering crowd and for a minute it did take me back to my old playing days. I remembered what it felt like to go from being a star on my high school team to being a second string player on my college team. That first year was very difficult as I started over trying to live in my skin again.

If you know someone in middle school or high school or college, reach out to them in some way in the coming weeks and let them know you are thinking of them and that you remember it’s not easy being young. As the news reports yet another suicide of a gay teenager, may our churches do more to reach out to youth and let them know they are welcome and provide places of safety and love.

If you were to die suddenly tomorrow, would you be content with how you have lived your life? Are you doing what you want to be doing? Are you loving well and thoroughly the people you want to love and have you made peace with those from whom you are estranged? Are you listening for the rustlings of the Spirit and following in the ways you feel led? Have you been making progress on changing the harmful habits in your life and adding the healthy habits?

One of the ways you can reflect on your life is to imagine what the people closest to you would say if you were to die suddenly. What stories would they tell? What pictures would they show? Would the conversation be about what you had hoped to do but never had the chance to do? Would the stories revolve around how many great ideas you had that never came to fruition? Would people stand up and cry because they never had a chance to reconcile with you?

Yesterday I participated in a Celebration of Life for a remarkable woman. She died when she was only two months shy of her ninetieth birthday. The stories told about her life were funny, touching, and at times, profound. For a woman born in 1921, she was WAY ahead of her time! She made use of every minute she had on this earth. No one who knew her was under any illusion that she was perfect or without fault. Everyone who knew her, though, knew that all of the good in her far outweighed any of what was difficult about her.

The point of life is not to live it so that people will say nice things and tell great stories about you when you die. That was not why Virginia lived the way she lived. She believed the world needed to be changed and she could help move it along. Do you believe the world needs to be changed? Do you believe you can be a part of making that change happen? If so, there is no time like the present. Most of us probably won’t live until we are 89, sending out emails around the world until 2 weeks before we die. So, carpe diem!

When we are willing to partner with God in bringing about a whole new realm, it’s miraculous what God can accomplish with us and through us. If ever there is a day when I feel like giving up or giving in, I will think about dear Virginia and her uncompromising belief and work for a world that is peaceful and just and plentiful for all.

The Wall Street protest has piqued my curiosity. On the one hand, I am relieved to see people finally taking to the streets to say, “Enough is enough.” On the other hand, I am not sure what is being protested other than the bleak state of our country and our economy in general. It would have made sense to me if the protests had begun after Bank of America announced last week that it would initiate charging $5 per month per customer for use of an ATM card. If the masses had taken to the streets at that point and decried the decision and the greed it represents, I would have understood it! Apparently, though, the Wall Street protest was already in its second week when the decision was announced. Surely Bank of America added to the numbers joining in the protests all around the country, but it has taken some time for the protests to spread.

Have you taken to the streets yet in protest? Are you thinking about it? I am still sitting comfortably at home and in my office at the church and reading about the protests with interest. Why am I not out there with the others who are just as outraged as I am about the growing gulf between the rich and the poor, about the continued assault on our planet and ignorance about global warming, about the lack of good and affordable health care, about the complete ineffectiveness of our system of government, about the way money has infiltrated government at every level so governing is no longer about the people but about the money? What will it take to get me to cancel everything I am doing to join those who are outraged? I keep wondering if those who are protesting are primarily people who are unemployed or retired. If not, are people risking their jobs at a time like this to engage in this protest?

My first march was in 1988 when I went to Washington, D.C. for the 25th anniversary of the march on Washington. It was absolutely exhilarating and though the crush of people was a tad overwhelming, I felt as though history and the present were converging in one momentous day. At that moment I understood the power of marches or protests. The second time I participated in a march was when Bush declared war on Iraq. From the Embarcadero to the Civic Center in San Francisco, we marched and sang and held up signs of protest with tens of thousands of others. The third march was in the exact same location with fewer people to protest what was happening with our immigration laws. In each of those marches, I felt strongly about the issue.

Again, I wonder why I am not yet out on the streets. I suppose there is a part of me that thinks some of why people are expressing their outrage is that capitalism is no longer working for them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no longer working for me, either. I am honest enough, though, to admit that I was okay with it when it was working for me. You see, I am in that middle category of people. I am not wealthy or anywhere close to it, but I was able to benefit in some ways from the crazy economy we had going a few years ago. I was not one of those people who refused to play because of the damage it was doing to the poorest of the poor. In retrospect, I wish I had refused. To be clear, I didn’t benefit much although I was able to buy a house way beyond my means. Maybe I feel guilty for participating all along and now being unhappy because it’s no longer working for those of us in the middle. The truth is I still have a job and I still live in my house. What would I be protesting right now? Why didn’t we all take to the streets when the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can spend unlimited amounts of money to elect and defeat candidates? That was an obvious tear to the fabric of democracy and justice. Where we were then? If the people out there protesting are losing their jobs, is it accomplishing what it was supposed to accomplish?

As I continue to watch and read with interest, I will continue to do my own self-reflection and confession regarding my part in what is going on in our country. Who knows? Maybe I won’t do my blog next week because I will be out on the streets joining in the protest.